On Tuesday I showed up for work in the morning after a long weekend in an Uber paid for by someone else, which is the best and only tolerable way to get back to work after a long weekend (at unless you can come back well rested and hangover free which I can’t).
The Uber escorted me thanks to the date I had spent the night with, and it was a generous offer that I took advantage of with pleasure and gratitude.
Just the week before, however, I was stressing out about a first date with a man specifically. because he had offered to send an Uber to pick me up and take me to the bar where we were to meet.
Modern technology has made dating in many ways simpler. Dating apps made it easier to find dates in the first place, social media made it easier to check and / or follow up online before meeting, and texting made it easier to prepare and adjust plans, stay in contact after a good meeting. (in more than one way), and / or ghost after a bad.
But these advancements have also introduced a new type of dating label that is increasingly nuanced, peppered with new rules, occasional contradictions and unfamiliar jargon. Sending can be a great way to plan ahead, but if you don’t send an SMS to confirm these plans the same day, your appointment probably does not take place. Dogs can help you get more matches on dating apps, but they can also be ruin his sex life.
Likewise, calling your date an Uber is either the epitome of modern chivalry or red flag goosebumps. So what must a chic gentleman do?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I can’t speak for all women, but I will. (It is also interesting to note that although I absolutely cannot and will not pretend to speak on behalf of the LGBTQ community, much of the advice I have concocted from my own straight experiences is probably applicable in many non-heterogeneous dynamics as well, as dating does is dating, courtesy is courtesy and being a fool is a fool.)
That said, I’d like to preface this unofficial guide to Uber dating etiquette with the qualifier that I can think of a few circumstances where the majority of women would necessarily expect their date to pay for their commute. Unlike the still common (though often contested) expectation that the man in a straight dating scenario will pay for drinks or dinner, offer to call your date an Uber / Lyft / Via / Qu’avez -you is almost always seen as a generous gesture rather than an expected question of course. In general, if you offer to call your date an Uber, you land somewhere beyond the call of normal gentleman’s duty.
Awesome, so how can calling your Uber date go wrong? Because not all women are the same and because context matters. While I can’t necessarily help you explain the vast nuances of femininity, I can help you navigate the context. In my experience, the biggest problem men can have when it comes to the Uber gesture falls into the category of things that well-meaning men usually do completely unintentionally and without fault of their own. make women inadvertently unsafe. Such as….
Offer to call a stranger an Uber on the first date
This can be especially risky if the woman in question is someone from a dating app that you’ve never met before. Meeting a stranger on the Internet is a potentially rather fuzzy business. Provide that stranger with a pickup address they can presumably trace you to (even if you’re smart enough not to give out your actual address) and trust Uber to bring you to the agreed-upon meeting place instead of the The guy’s apartment / the alley where he plans to kill you is something that many women are likely to struggle with.
But there’s nothing wrong with just giving, right? She can always say no.
Yes, she can, and while most women will likely recognize the offer as a harmless and ultimately well-meaning gesture, it could still raise a red flag for women who have had bad experiences in the past.
A few years ago, a Tinder match offered to send an Uber to pick me up and take me to a bar where we had agreed to meet for our first date. When I got out of the Uber, the bar he mentioned was nowhere in sight. Instead, we were outside his apartment. Cue all the red flags. I haven’t accepted an Uber offer for a man’s first date since, and while I can usually recognize one as a presumably kind gesture, I still get on a first date a bit more. anxious after an unsolicited Uber offer asking me what his intentions might be. has been.
To sum up: is it a nice gesture? Definitely yes. But, as usual, a few crazy people must have spoiled the rest for us, and that’s why we can’t have nice things. Best to let her meet you there. You can always take her home later that night (or the next morning). Which brings us to …
When to give your date a ride home
Giving your date an Uber at the end of the night is generally safer, better received, and in many contexts I would even say encouraged.
If you have the resources, sending a woman home in an Uber at the end of a date has a certain old-fashioned chivalrous air without the overt patriarchal overtones and misogynistic undertones that often accompany many other gestures. ” knights ”today. Does this mean that all will women want or accept such a gesture? Nope! Some won’t! But unless you already know that the woman in question is generally opposed to these kind of financially burdened gestures (i.e. she didn’t want you to pay for her dinner, drinks, etc.), it probably can’t hurt to offer.
Meanwhile, in a time when many people can expect a good date to end in sex, offer to send your date home in an Uber instead of asking it to come back to your house. you at the end of the night can be a good way to convey to a woman that you are interested in and want to see again do just have an early meeting / want to take it easy / etc.
What if you brought her home already?
Sex complicates things. But it shouldn’t. I once had to leave the apartment of a guy I saw and usually slept with after a date because he had had something early in the morning. On leaving, he told me not to take the metro because it was late. When I told him I wasn’t interested in paying for an Uber, he told me he wouldn’t call me because it sounded like “prostitute” to him – that from a man who always paid. for appointments.
I didn’t mind – I had planned to take the metro anyway. But it struck me as odd that a man who had no problem regularly leaving hundreds of them for dinner or drinks before sex would be reluctant to shell out a few bucks for an Uber after the fact.
Again, even if you are never required or even necessarily expected to call an Uber for a date, not wanting to post sex specifically because you just had sex not only makes an irrational connection. between traditional dating behavior and sex work, but also reinforces some negative aspects. attitudes towards sex work that you may want to reassess.
In conclusion, gender shouldn’t influence whether or not you decide to call your Uber date, and it will likely be especially appreciated if you kick them out of your apartment soon after having had it.
Bonus tip: Calling an Uber is also a polite and sweet way to let a post-date know it’s time to go. Getting kicked out of someone’s apartment always sucks, but getting kicked out of someone’s apartment and getting into an Uber on your own is less fearful.
The most important :
If a woman declines your offer because she feels uncomfortable or in danger (or really for some other reason – she doesn’t owe you one, after all), you can’t get angry and get defensive because you were “just nice”. Making a woman feel bad for rejecting your chivalrous gesture literally nullifies all chivalry, and now you’re just a jerk. Yes, the internet has complicated dating etiquette somewhat, but the golden rule behind almost all dating advice remains simple: don’t be a jerk.
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