My boyfriend updated his dating profile

There is cursed territory at the start of every potential relationship. It happens at a different time for each couple, but it’s not long after the glow from the first dates has worn off and you see them for who they really are (or could be): not just one. big crush, but a real person you might have real feelings for. Ouch!!!

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To paraphrase the Prophet Britney Spears, your romance is not an affair, but not yet a serious, monogamous relationship (at least not until you have had The speech). It makes it very embarrassing and potentially hurtful to find out that your maybe-partner is still all over apps, updating their profile and fading away like they’re in an almost relationship boat that’s totally different from you. It is do not cheat, because you are not exclusive … but neither is it not Cheating? Confusing!


Because we’re all literally making up the rules for this sticky situation phase as we go, here, three regular people (so you can compare stories) and three relationship experts (so you maybe can learn something. ) offer their experiences and advice on how to handle catching your not quite lagging partner on dating apps. Godspeed, really.

Marie, 19 years old:

“This has actually happened to me twice. The first guy kept updating his profile, and I stupidly decided to ignore him. Obviously he was dating two other girls at the same time. When I asked him about it, he said he thought I was doing the same. I wish I had the courage to face him sooner. I assumed he kept on stopping not updating me because our relationship was so new and we weren’t serious yet but as I learned when I called him he never intended to be a couple . If I had asked earlier, I could have saved myself all this time. But the second guy was totally different … He updated his profile maybe once or twice and I called him about it. And when I did, he immediately deleted his Tinder!

Megan Fleming, PhD, clinical psychologist and marriage counselor in New York:

“All in all, dating is a process until you want to have this conversation, organically. Usually this is about safe sex and whether or not to use condoms. But if you notice they change their profile, it’s like, why you Here? Did you not feel this person’s safety in the first place, feel insecure, or were you there for your own reasons? This can be a motivation to have the clarification, what are we conversation, but I wouldn’t specifically say, “Oh, by the way, I know you’ve updated your profile.” It would be very accusing and harassing. And if you have to talk about it, do it lightly. Say something like: “”,

Jess, 27 years old:

“I had been dating this guy for just under two months (we hadn’t had the DTR conversation yet) when I noticed he had updated his profile while I was out of town with friends from college I didn’t have a picture of him so I took out Hinge to show them and saw that he had added pictures from a wedding he was at the previous weekend. I never mentioned updating the profile with him directly, but the next time we went out I mentioned that I didn’t see anyone else and wanted to know where he was. I wasn’t surprised when he said he was dating other people. Seeing the profile update made me realize I was ready to have The speech– even though I knew the likely answer, I still wanted him to know that I was thinking about our relationship and wanted to make it more serious. A few weeks later, we are still dating but are not monogamous. ”

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Andi Forness, Online Dating Coach in Austin, Texas:

“It really depends on where you are in the relationship, but the main thing is not to react and be calm. If you’ve only been around for a few months and are casually going out, don’t do anything. But if you’ve been around for a few months and have spent a lot of time with this person, then this is a great opportunity to be vulnerable and share your desires to see if you’re on the same page. ”

Daniel, 28 years old:

“I was dating a guy for a few months and things were going great, and just before I left on a one-week simultaneous family vacation, I said I was ready to be exclusive. He stammered out a response. not quite: “Uh, yeah, I’m depressed I can’t see anyone else and I … I don’t want to? ‘ I said he could think about it, but before he left he said he felt “really good with us” which I took as a positive sign. don’t delete the app, because I really hadn’t thought of it. And there you have it, in the middle of our vacation, I had a push notification from Tinder warning me about my maybe boyfriend’s new profile picture … taken from his family vacation. I immediately escalated and felt betrayed, and frankly, stupid to believe it and texted my friends for advice. We decided that I should wait and talk about it in person when we both got back. For a week I was obsessed with his intentions while maintaining our usual textual report.

“I wonder how long we could have lasted had this notification not taken place.”

Back home I asked him for a drink and asked him about the Tinder profile but tried to play him cool, like an idiot. I said, “I’m not trying to accuse you of anything, but Tinder sent me a notification that you added a new photo to your profile … that’s cute!” He replied, “Thank you! He finally said he thought it was “too early” for us to be exclusive, and I’m sure you can imagine how things turned out from there. The whole situation brought bigger problems in our relationship: poor communication, moving at different paces, needing more than the other could give. However, I wonder how long we could have gone on if this notification hadn’t happened. What was worse: that I discovered or that I never could have known? Maybe all of this forced a quick conclusion to an inevitable fate. I guess I’ll never know. ”

Connell barrett, founder of Dating Transformation and dating coach in New York:

“If you’re still counting dates in that first month or two of a new romance, it’s too early to argue with the other person updating their profile. They’re totally within their rights. should talk about it when you know you would like to be exclusive, but don’t accuse him of doing something unfair, it will only put him on the defensive. Instead, use it as a stepping stone to define your romance. Use clear, simple, and loving language. Something like, “I’m crazy about you and what we have, and I wish we could just see each other, how are you feeling?” It’s scary to be so vulnerable, but that’s how relationships turn. “

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